003, Men are not good things

"Doctor Ding, I still like to call you Dr. Ding. Actually, I am not here to change my view of men. I mainly want to know how to reverse my mother's view of me and not to force me to go on blind dates or get along with a partner?"

The speaker was a young woman with her shoulders not very relaxed, her elbows were held, her hands were placed on her thighs on both sides, her legs were closed together, and her back was not leaning against the sofa. Her head leaned forward slightly when she spoke.

This is Ding Qi's third consultation conversation with the helper. No breakthrough has been made in the first two meetings, and it is somewhat related to the obvious impedance emotions and strong self-protection awareness of the helper.

During the "intake talk" when we first met, Ding Qi told her that she didn't have to call her Dr. Ding, because the psychological counselor and the helper were not related to the doctor and the patient. However, the other party insisted on calling her this. Out of the principle of respect and acceptance, Ding Qi also let her go.

The so-called intake talks are the consultant who first received the self-help attendant. Through listening, asking questions, reflexes, guidance and other technologies, they determine the surface and potential purpose of the helper, find out the other party's possible psychological problems, and collect and organize relevant consultation file information. Today, the helper has passed the intake talks stage.

Ding Qi did not smile, but acted sincerely and focused, and said in a gentle and patient tone: "We not only need to change our views, but also change our practices; and the focus is not your mother, but mainly yourself. At first you didn't think you had psychological problems, but your mother was troubled. After consultation, you also realized that there was indeed conflict in your heart and your life was troubled. This means that our talks are still progressing, right?"

While speaking, Ding Qi "opened" pages of records. It was not opened on the coffee table, but in his mind, like a laptop or computer file.

Name: Liu Guonan

Gender: Female

Age: Twenty-seven

Occupation: Graphic designer in the new media industry

Place of birth: This city

Degree of transformation: undergraduate

Marriage status: unmarried, no previous marriage history. According to the introduction of his mother and his own self-report, there is no stable relationship history. Judging from the content of the meeting, there should be no sexual experience yet.

...

Problem and preliminary diagnosis: The seeker insisted that men were not good things. His mother was deeply worried about this and arranged blind dates for her many times and persuaded her to find someone to fall in love and get married. The seeker was very tired of his mother's nagging and was troubled by this. When introducing the seeker's situation, his mother once hinted at her concerns about her sexual orientation.

The person who asked for help seemed not to take the initiative to ask for help, but to conduct psychological counseling after her mother repeatedly asked. However, she was willing to use psychological counseling as a way to solve problems, and interviewed three times in a row, and came alone on her own initiative in the last two times, indicating that her subconsciously still had expectations for help, not superficial rejection.

The original purpose of her claim was not to solve her own psychological problems, but to avoid her mother's nagging, so that she had an excuse to stop forcing her to find a partner. Although chromosomal abnormality examination has not been performed, the initial diagnosis result has not been homosexual.

In general, homosexual women, the active party is usually the cognitive problem of sexual roles, and the passive party is usually the cognitive problem of sexual object selection, while men are just the opposite. The person seeking help does not have bias in sexual role cognition or sexual object selection. She just insists that men are not good things, and the psychological state shown by words and deeds is precisely based on the cognitive identity and selection perspective of women.

The helper has a clear understanding of the views he holds, his actual situation and the troubles he suffers, and only regards it as a personality. Her personality concept conflicts with the ideas of the people around her and feels the troubles, showing the coordination of psychological activities, and also conforms to the personality traits of introvert and pursuit of perfection.

Mental symptoms can be basically ruled out, and no psychiatric characteristics have been observed, and there are psychological problems, but they belong to the category of mental activities of normal people...

It is a bit unimaginable. These are contents that are "opened" in the mind, like clear books flashing quickly, and the systematic memory summary and information sorting are completed quietly. But this is not a special feature, it is just a quality that an excellent psychological expert should possess after long-term professional training. It seems to be a "extraordinary ability" different from ordinary people.

Mastering this ability requires a very focused state and long-term skill training. Theoretically speaking, this is a skill that an excellent psychological counselor must master, but everyone has different talents, different levels of concentration and effort, and of course the level of mastery also has its own level.

Ding Qi is undoubtedly very talented and hardworking. His professional skills can reach almost the highest level. The mentor Liu Feng once gave this technique a name that has not yet been recognized in the industry - Heart Plate Art.

In the process of psychological counseling, the counselor cannot make on-site records unless the other party is approved, especially in the initial intake conversation, and try not to record the sentences as much as possible to avoid causing doubts and disgusts from the helper. This requires the counselor to accurately remember what the helper said during an hour-long meeting, and to grasp the most core elements in the scattered words and summarize them. All of this is done in the mind.

The information summarized and sorted out can include various forms and files. It means that the psychological counselor fills out various forms and files in his mind while the conversation is in progress. This is a very professional skill. In the subsequent meetings, the summary and sorted information should be used in a timely manner to give reasonable feedback to the person seeking help.

Often, the psychological counselor can record this information only after the meeting is over and the help seeker leaves to avoid forgetting it. Before the next consultation, you must be familiar with these records again. During the formal meeting, you usually cannot read them on the spot, but instead present and use them in your mind.

It is more important to note that psychological counselors cannot be distracted in this process. They must always pay attention to the content of the meeting and the responses of the seekers. The information in their minds is constantly sorted out and formed and used feedback. It is held at the same time as the talks. Although Ding Qi is still very young, he can be regarded as a master of "heart-calling skills" in this regard.

The temperature and light in the consultation room are very comfortable, but there is nothing unnecessary, which may cause attention to dispersion and uneasy furnishings by the person seeking help. Two sofas and a coffee table, one long and one short, there are no books and pens, only two paper cups.

Pens may also become a harmful weapon in special occasions. It is best not to appear if they do not appear. If they appear, they cannot be placed in a place where the person seeking help can reach out. The door of the psychological counseling room is soundproof, but cannot be locked. All this is to prevent certain unexpected situations and is also the self-protection of the psychological counselor.

Patients who can find mental abnormalities through simple observation and inquiries are usually sent to the psychiatric department for diagnosis and treatment. Theories are not the subject of psychological counselors, but they should also be in case. At least most of the people who come here have psychological or emotional problems.

While Ding Qi was sorting out the "heart book", Liu Guonan replied: "I didn't think I had a problem or my problem, but after talking to Dr. Ding twice, I felt that some problems needed to be solved. I really have troubles... Dr. Ding, many people around me think I'm sick. Do you think so too?"

Ding Qi answered solemnly: "You asked this question when you first met. I told you at that time that you are not sick, at least from a medical point of view, you have no neurotic or psychotic symptoms. You are a normal person, but normal people will also have psychological problems, and sometimes they are in a state of mental unhealthy, which will affect people's lives."

Liu Guonan nodded with satisfaction: "Well, Dr. Ding is very professional and can stick to his own point of view. This is how you analyzed it with me... In this case, how can I stop annoying to my mother?"

Ding Qi: "What we want to solve now is not your mother's problem, but your problem. Now it seems that there are two main problems in your heart. One is that your mother's nagging and suspicion make you annoyed. She insists that you have any problems and that you are unwilling to talk to each other. The second is your own point of view, insisting that men are not good things. And through my observation, your implicit meaning is that dating men will cause harm to yourself. Is that true?"

When he spoke, Ding Qi couldn't help but think of Liu Guonan's mother again. He had worked a lot of effort to make the aunt realize that psychological counseling is not an institution like community marriage agency.

Liu Guonan replied: "It seems that this is true if you summarize it like this. But the second one is my own problem, and it has nothing to do with others!"

Ding Qi: "For the first question, the goal of psychological counseling is to help you adjust your cognition and behavior, so as to adapt and adjust the way you get along with your mother, so that the conflict of ideas will no longer cause trouble, so here is still your problem... For the second question, since men are not good things, how do you view your father, isn't he a good thing either?"

When he said the following words, Ding Qi tried to make his tone softer and observed Liu Guonan's reaction. Liu Guonan's reaction was quick, and then he replied: "My father is very good, he is a good person."

Ding Qi: "But this does not match the concept you insist on. He is also a man, and you say that men are not good things."

Liu Guonan: "I didn't regard him as a man. My father is a father and it is impossible to become my man. In my concept, the so-called man should be..." He suddenly stopped talking.

Ding Qi felt that he was about to catch the key to the problem, and immediately responded: "I'll try to summarize it for you. In your concept, men who only have gender meaning are not men. Those who have the potential to have a sexual relationship with you are men? So you say that men are not good things, but actually refer to such men?"

Liu Guonan nodded and said, "Yes, it's impossible for someone who has that kind of relationship with me. I care whether he is good or bad, whether he is a man or a woman."

Ding Qi emphasized again: "The relationship you are talking about refers to the emotional relationship between the two sexes. There are mainly two types of men who are interested in you or men you may be interested in. They are not good things! As for other people, although their gender is also male, they are not within your evaluation range. Is that true?"

Liu Guonan thoughtfully said: "It seems like this, but since men are not good things, how could I be interested in them?" The psychological counseling process is often repeated like this. Many things may sound "silly" to ordinary people, but people with psychological problems do not think so. They will think this is very serious and important.

Ding Qi finally smiled: "The so-called interest may not be likes or dislikes, but an emotional investment. You will pay attention to them, consciously or unconsciously, and invest a strong emotion. If you insist that a certain man is not a good thing, this is your inner concern and invested emotion."

Liu Guonan: "It seems that this is really the case. For example, Dr. Ding, I didn't care whether you are a man at the beginning."

Ding Qi: "For the first time, I suggest that if you are disgusted with men, you can refer a female psychological counselor to you, but you said there is no need. It turns out that there is such a reason."

Liu Guonan: "Actually, I don't think you are a good person either, and I don't want to change to a woman for consultation... Men generally think it's difficult for me to deal with, but women generally think I'm sick."

Ding Qi corrected at the right time: "This is just the individuals you come into contact with. You think they think they think of you. Don't expand this individual and self-awareness to all people. We cannot think about the problem like this."

Liu Guonan: "Doctor Ding, I told you before that I don't want to come at all. My mother had to force me to come. In fact, it's not exactly the case. I said that, but I was very disgusted with my mother nagging every day and involuntarily wanting to fight her. I also want to find a psychologist, but I don't know if it's useful."

Ding Qi said earnestly, "Well, I actually noticed it too. You came to find a so-called psychologist. On the one hand, you want to prove through the doctor that you have no problems. On the other hand, you are in a conflicted mood and have some expectations. You have this view since your college years, and your mother has been nagging, but it has not affected your work and life too much. Why are you suddenly trying to find a way to solve it now? I'm afraid it's not just because of your age?"

Liu Guonan's shoulders finally flattened and said with some concern: "Actually, my mother has been nagging for years. Although I feel a little annoyed, I am not doing anything. After all, it is my mother. She wants to say a few words. But recently I suddenly feel that I can't stand it. Sometimes my heart beats so fast and I often have insomnia at night. When I go to a crowded place, others look at me a few more times. I also think they are talking about me. According to Dr. Ding, it has indeed affected my life..."

Ding Qi's expression became solemn. The helper was indeed "hard to deal with". He kept his psychological distance from others. He was subconsciously prepared and was not told the truth until now. This was a situation that he did not reveal in the first two consultations. He asked seriously: "You said that in a place with a lot of people, someone looked at you a few more times. You 'feel' they were talking about you, but do you think they were really talking about you?"

Liu Guonan lowered his head and said, "I know they may not be talking about me, but I just thought too much, but I can't help feeling this way." As he said that, he unconsciously reached out to touch a sapphire pendant on his chest.

Ding Qi breathed a little relieved and leaned forward, "Since you have such a self-knowledge, the problem is not too serious, but if you don't make adjustments and continue to develop, it may lead to more serious problems. Please recall carefully, when did this start?...I would like to ask more, you have changed into different clothes these three times, but you always wear the same necklace. What is the reason?"

This kind of question asked two consecutive questions, and the second question obviously deviated from the topic. It was a taboo in the consultation and conversation process, but Ding Qi was very sensitive to the details and believed that this might be related.

Liu Guonan's expression was suddenly shocked: "Doctor Ding, you are so amazing! I remembered that after buying this necklace, something was wrong.

At that time, I was shopping in the mall with three best friends and three classmates from college. I saw this necklace in the counter. We tried it all, and I tried it the last one. They all liked it very much, but they didn't want to buy it because the salesperson later praised me for wearing it with the most beautiful clothes, so I bought it.

After I put on this necklace, I found that some colleagues always looked at me a few more times, and the same goes for crowded places. I always feel a little panicked…”

Ding Qi: "Since that's the case, why are you wearing it all the time?"

Liu Guonan was slightly stunned: "Why didn't I wear it? It cost more than 8,000 yuan! What does it have to do with me if others discuss it or not?"

Ding Qi smiled and said, "But you feel uncomfortable wearing it. It is precisely because of this discomfort that you are unwilling to take it off, right?"

This is a very contradictory mentality, but it does appear in people. Liu Guonan replied hesitantly: "Yes." His expression became a little confused when he spoke.

Ding Qi thought about it and then suddenly asked: "Liu Guonan, do you think you are beautiful? Do you think you are attractive enough to the opposite sex for other women around you?...If you trust me, don't have any concerns and answer truthfully. This question may be a bit private, but the consultant will strictly keep it confidential for the person seeking help."

After the third consultation meeting, Ding Qi finally opened Liu Guonan's inner world and made breakthrough progress. The seemingly abrupt question just now was really critical. Liu Guonan spoke a lot with a somewhat aggrieved and confused expression. Under Ding Qi's continuous guidance, he finally found the root of the problem.
Chapter completed!